Never again ……..

How many times have you said ‘never again’, yesterday I swore I would never put Robin through another eye surgery again. I have never felt like a more ineffective parent before. Having you child come back from surgery and scream and writhe on your lap begging you to let go of his hands so he can rub his newly operated on eye. I felt impotent and out of my depth, being headbutted and kicked and screamed at for an hour is hard and it hurts emotionally as much as it does physically. I feel as though i have done 10 rounds in a boxing ring. 

I believe we make these decisions with the best intentions for our children but parenting comes with levels of self doubt that I never expected. We both think seriously before making these decisions but it doesn’t make the experience of putting your child through these situations any easier. I sat last week on some steps before a meeting and cried, I cried because I am tired of making these kinds of decisions, in tired of nothing being simple and im tired of wondering what’s coming around the corner. 

So Robin is lying here next to me asleep and I look at him and hope he knows why we make the decisions we make and that it’s with his best interests and so so much love that we do choose to go ahead with surgeries. Parenting is hard and I never assumed it would be easy but my god I didn’t know it would hurt so much aswell. I look at Robin and I know I have never been as brave as he is and I see how kind and caring Elliot has been towards him today and I couldn’t be prouder.