I’m not alone, I’m lonely. I’m lonely because I am the only person inside my brain. Currently inside my brain there is a lot of overthinking and fear going on. I try to explain what is in there but it’s hard to articulate, it’s a freaking mess in there. I am replaying all the conversations at appointments the last few weeks and figuring out outcomes for future appointments ( there is no need to do this but my brain doesn’t take notice of that). My brain is thinking about all the things other people might be thinking about me and the things I do. I am judging my own actions and ideals by my brains imagined opinions of other people. Some of this is reinforced by people’s behaviour but a lot of it is just my brain telling me I’m doing something wrong.
I’m not being self pitying I promise you, I just want to explain it has been mentioned to me a few times in the last few months that I’m not my usual self, that I’m not as bubbly as I used to be. I think this is because my lovely brain has chosen to have me believe that I need to change, that I am being judged for the decisions I make and that ultimately I am alone.
I spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think of me and the decisions I have made. I worry about the future for myself because of my health and mobility. I worry so much about the kids futures and especially lately with the appointments for Robin and Lewis. These appointment feed my brains penchant for catastrophising ( is that a word) I obsess over how we can help make things better and improve their lives for the future. Then I feel guilty for not being more grateful for the great things in our lives. Then I feel selfish for being upset about the difficulties we face when it could be so much worse. By the end of this I feel exhausted and sad but I get stuck in this cycle.
I want things to change, I want to worry less and live in the moment more. I will make effort to change things now as I am so tired of feeling this way. Again I want to reiterate I don’t write this so you feel sorry for me I promise. I write this because it’s like free therapy. I write because there is a glimmer of hope that maybe someone will read this and not feel alone in how they feel. That it might help someone one day to read that someone else felt alone even when surrounded by people who love them. That it’s okay to be overwhelmed and to hate your brain for choosing to make life feel much harder.
My mind is my own, but we do not see eye to eye lately. I hope one day to be on the same page again but until then at least try to be kinder to me please brain.